i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i've created a new STD.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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