you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
