Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
