Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
