I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
