Can i not drive my cunt home
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
