if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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