if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
