i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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