What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We need a shit load of segways right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
