U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
