I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
