dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
