From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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