...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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