I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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