She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
