i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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