we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
