I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
