Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
