Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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