I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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