I think I died a long time ago.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
His nipple licking is glorious
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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