I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
