U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
