What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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