I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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