The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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