I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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