At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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