From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
