2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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