you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
