You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
