Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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