Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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