update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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