I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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