So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
