Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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