There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
