I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
