He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
