break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
