I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo