I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives