The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
