I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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