I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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