dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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