fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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