my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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