I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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