i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
