The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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